Tuesday, May 06, 2008


Background information for this article:

In Japan, there is a monthly magazine, printed nationwide, called 'Japanzine'. Inside are trendy ads, local restaurants, music scenes, and fun articles, all geared towards foreigners.

By FAR, the best part of the magazine each month is the small Q&A section penned by a Japanese man named Kazuhide (Kah-zoo-high-dee). Now, how much of a farce it is, I'll never REALLY know, but the premise is for foreigners to write in with semi-dumb/offensive questions, to which Kazuhide, in an equally offensive and vulgar way, will politely answer, in really bad Japanese ('reary' bad).

The answers are usually mostly-offensive towards Americans, and are ALWAYS laugh-out-loud funny. If you take it with a grain of salt, that is.

Two questions/answers in last month's 'Ask Kazuhide' feature article got HUGE laughs in the staff room, and are worth copying down for your enjoyment (particularly funny - the second one). But, if you are going to read further, please be prepared to be offended, as we are, when reading it, each month (i.e. Becky, this is not for Lauren's eyes!). Just to be safe, though in four places, I have replaced, or added clarification/censorship, using the following marks: []...

'Ask Kazuhide' (Japanzine, April 2008)

Hello Kazu!
Why are some Japanese people reverse-racist to foreigners. I went to a public swimming pool with my Japanese friend, only to be denied entry because I am a foreigner, or I don't look Japanese.
- Beached Swimmer

Dear Swimnner,
Idiot! That is regular racism, not reverse. This low brain ability is dangerous for swimming so we protect you and protect Japan from HIV.


Yo Kazuhide,
I have a question? Why are Japanese guys so hung up (pun totally intended) by the size of their lower parts? I love Japanese guys. After a few beers and dodgy Japlish conversation at an izakaya, I am usually in the mood to feel the motion of their ocean, so to speak.
Which is when they ruin my mood (and their chances of getting laid) by telling me, quite empithatically, that they have really small things. What's the deal? Don't they realize that I'd much rather find out (and judge) for myself than have them tell me. You seem to be an expert on Gaijin [foreigners]-Nihonjin [Japanese] relations! Help a mystified girl out!
- Mystified

Dear Mystified,
Japan is indirect and porite country. Basicarry they say [insert most direct name for male anatomy] is small not to offend. Truth is they fear your large [insert equally offensive term for female anatomy].


Ask Kazuhide online forum

The Best of Kazuhide

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Enjoy very much---Mystified not reave addless??
Have contact:
(I know-- enough of the bad Japanese already)